About a year ago I was sitting in a doctor’s office, just her and I. And she looked me straight in the eyes and asked, “do you know what it would be like to be pain free?” I let out a big laugh, and said that it had been so long I wouldn’t even know how it would feel. I walked out thinking the lady was certifiable. Get better? There is no better for me. This is the way I am. This is my fate. I am destined to spend every day of the rest of my life with this pain.The only way I would be out of pain is just to die. But after all the progress I’ve made with the Chinese medicine man, the memory of her question hit me pretty hard. What would it be like to be pain free? Would I even know what that would feel like? What would I do with my life? How does one even begin to build a life?
And if I’m being completely honest, I have no Idea how to answer any of those. My pain has been with me twenty-four hours a day seven days a week for four years, it’s no longer a foreign being; it’s apart of me. It’s one of the most steady relationships I have. I can depend on it to always be there. Now if you asked me if I wanted out of pain, I wouldn’t hesitate: hell yes I do. Chronic pain is a fate I would wish on no one. It creeps into your life and takes over. But picturing life without it is scary. Would I be the same person? And what about school, would I be as smart as a used to be? And all my lofty goals, could I really achieve them? I’m not sure, and that is terrifying. It’s absolutely paralyzing to think I could have a certain life one day, and have it change overnight. To be able to do whatever, whenever, is a luxury that I haven’t had in a long time and I am not sure what I would even do with the freedom. Blast music as loud as I can, scream out at the top of my lungs, go on a drive by myself just because I can? I’m not quite sure.
And to be completely fair, the unknown is scary. Getting better is scary. Leaving behind years of subconscious habits is scary. But if I ever have the opportunity to get better I promise everyone in my life that I will jump in with both feet. I will take it and run and make something of myself and prove the time they put in to take care of me while I was down was completely worth it. That I’m worth it, even after all this time